21 Jul 2003

Football, outra vez Em Parque de Herbert.

Greetings and Luminosity,

• Herbert Park Rangers fans will be entertained at half-time this week by the UCDKC (the K is for kiting) display team. Crack(ed) kiters will perform a spectacular departure from the centre circle, with each member of the team holding on to the ankles of the kiter in front of them. Under kite power, the display team will attempt to stay on the ground. Shambolic rehearsals were held on Sandymount Beach this Sunday, with apologies to Dublin Airport air traffic control. 

• There will be a home game tomorrow at 6 o’clock at the El Stadio Daddio Magnifico Herbert Olympico Hampden Park Neucamp Maine Road Bernabau San Siro Giants Penrith Stadium of Light Fantastic of Dreams. Please note the early start time of 6 o’clock, not 6:30 or even 7 like some punters think.

• Brief and concise highlights of the week gone by are supplied this week by our Regional Correspondent, Liz:

Training was taken to a new level at Herbert Park Ranger’s secret location this weekend with new headgear to improve the players’ balance being tried out. Stainless steel was particularly challenging for the players while the Teflon apparatus was overcome only by the most elite players. One certain player who blames injury for lack of serious playing of late discovered a holy substance through which his hair could stick and thus he may be relegated to the bench on his return due to his shocking lack of commitment to training. Kevin Power was sporting the Out Of Bed look and will soon have his hair in corn rows while Michael Moore continued in his lecherous style, getting in some fantastic weaves (and falls) in the process. Liz Palcic was quality all round while Aideen apparently has no bruises. Some very dedicated players did some extracurricular training on Friday for which they are to be commended. If half the “players” spotted on the sidelines on Saturday turned up in Herbert Park any day they would soon realise the benefits such dedication affords. I regret to say that this under-press-secretary did not make it to the actual Sunday Game due to over-strenuous training on Saturday night however she will be present and accounted for on Tuesday, ready to witness the improved balance of the players and ensure all Quality measures are put into practise. Yours in sporting (and ‘training’), Liz 

• Reader’s Prize

There is a special prize this week of an all-expenses-spared trip to the next Herbert Park Rangers home game. To be in with a chance of winning this fabulous trip (stand ticket included) all you have to do is answer the following question: ‘What is Liz on?’ Answers and winner announced next week (if the results are back from the drug’s lab in time). 

• Portuguese Footballing Phrase of the Week: ‘O goalkeeper novo, Donnie, é possuído pelo diabo’ which means ‘The new goalkeeper, Donnie, is possessed by the devil.’